Chaos in a Nutshell

i finally found time to get on tumblr. it only took me… forever. it really sucks that my hands are full right now. between baby, husband, school, and errands, i don’t really know where my time goes. heck, it’s 430 in the morning and i still have homework that i need to work on because this is the only uninterrupted free time i have. (tumbling because i’m about to get a little sleep.)

not trying to complain, but i’m just really really worn out and run down right now.

we don’t have internet yet so I’m trying to focus on other things, like finding curtains for our apartment. or staring at the dog. other than that I don’t do much.

we’re still adjusting to each other. I think we secretly wanna kill each other for half of the day. he gets mad about everything and I start crying about nothing. it’s pretty weird.

other than that, my friend andre might be taking the train down from heidlberg tomorrow and I’m excited. then my friend johannes may be coming down in his break, not sure. yay!

it’s 3 am and I can’t sleep so I think I’m gonna get up and clean the kitchen.

grr!!! this sucks… lol

apparently they have to hunt down my file in the office. then the lady is going to look through it and send me an email about what’s going on…

AGAIN, the battalion was supposed to get a hold of me or kirk but they’ve failed to even communicate with us. WTH, 54TH?! you are seriously making my life difficult since i’m the one handling all of this!!!

i don’t think i’m going to be going to sleep until i get the email from the housing office.

got a call from the captain’s wife today. she’s tired of the battalion jerking me around too. in order to get things done faster so we can be in germany by the fourteenth, she’s going to bypass all the unnecessary people in the chain and hand it to her husband. lucky me. i’m happy about it because now i know it’s going to get done. i’m a little scared about it because i don’t want kirk to get in trouble ESPECIALLY since i went to the frg with my problem like they TOLD me to do. only thing left to deal with is the housing office but they haven’t been answering the phone, and it’s getting annoying. WAIT!!!! THEY JUST ANSWERED!!!! hahahaha!!! hoping for good news…

i didn’t think anything of the bad dreams i’ve been having for the past week, or even the slight sadness i’ve been feeling… not until this morning. my husband called me this morning and just the sound of his voice made me want to cry. it was horrible. the more he talked, the more i wanted to cry. sometimes i think i’m losing it.

now that this deployment is coming to an end, my excitement is turning into fear… what if things are how they were before he left? we were arguing and i was always angry and he was always tired and stressed out. i can’t help it. when this deployment ends, and when matthew and i pcs, this will be the longest amount of time we have ever spent physically together. after being alone for 22 months out of 30 months, that’s scary for me.

it’s only a matter of days and i’m going crazy! why does this seem worse than when he left and knowing it would be months?! the worst part is that i have the obsessive need to clean the apartment and make everything perfect before he gets here, but he wants me to rest so that i don’t put myself in active labor until he’s home. AGH!!! I JUST WANT TO VACUUM!!! or do laundry… or something! anything! hfshfioheikksbfuifnekbsjfesihfksejksfiehkfb

“you just rest and i’ll take care of all of it when i get there.”
STOP SPOILING ME, YOU AMAZING MAN! AGH!!! -_-“

don’t get me wrong, i know my life isn’t horrible, but things just seem to suck a lot easier when you’re physically and emotionally unhappy at the same time.

my “baby shower” was stressful. honestly, my mom and her husband made it all about them again. no one really noticed i was basically missing. i half expected that, but what i didn’t expect was that my mom would sit there and tick my auntie off so much when my auntie did so much for my shower. my mom made my auntie so mad that she hid in the room basically until my mom left. i felt really crappy about it. yay for insensitivity. on top of that, my cousin and i were the ones running around getting the crap that my mom was supposed to buy for the shower days ago. my mom wanted me to pay for my whole shower. she wanted me to be the one to pick everything up. she wanted it at my auntie’s house. basically she had nothing to do with it except say what day and time it was. no one was happy with my mom or stepdad today. they also tried to turn my baby shower into another one of their stupid poker games. i HATE gambling. oh well.

then my puppy had an accident which i know isn’t horrible, but after the baby shower, i was at my wit’s end. it was just not okay. i flipped out and started crying about it and wishing that everything would just stop.

the only plus to today was that i FINALLY got to hear from kirk so i don’t feel as worried. the downer is i don’t know when i’m going to here from him again and i’m just tired of him being gone. he’s basically depressed. i’m basically depressed. this stuff is annoying. *sigh*

i haven’t heard from kirk since earlier this week and i’m going insane with worry. out of this whole deployment, this feels like the longest i’ve gone without talking to him. it doesn’t help that i have this horrible feeling in my gut. ugh… i just have to keep telling myself that we’re so close to this deployment being over. SO CLOSE.

doesn’t help that i’m going insane with this pregnancy. all i feel compelled to do is clean and clean and clean and clean and pack things and clean again. it’s ridiculous. i managed to clean my balcony and vacuum the whole apartment and put all the dishes away in two hours. this needs to be overrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr…